I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
