The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
