I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
