I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
