Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
