she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
