ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
