saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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