I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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