just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
