I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
