Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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