In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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