i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
