I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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