I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
