ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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