I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
