i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
