The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
