my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
