wakey wakey hands off snakey
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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