Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
