My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm too high and old for this...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
