Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
