if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
handjob tips. give me some.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
