mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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