Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
