Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
