ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
