last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
operation have a gay friend backfired
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
