I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just puked most of my soul out..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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