I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
