Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
