How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
