im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
