I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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