he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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