he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
