Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
