the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Randomize
