so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
