I want to make a zoo with you.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
