I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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