wanna go halves on a baby?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
