New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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