it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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