Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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