Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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