My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
