tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
